“The Weekends”

It’s a quiet, lazy Saturday evening and after an exhausting day of pampering, working, eating & my Pilates I’m sitting in front of my telly, watching yet another romantic comedy and stuffing my face with sweets. Officially I don’t eat carbs, so I need to keep my energy level up by eating sweeties.

Yes, my son is staying with his dad, and I’m at home on my own. This is what every divorce does. It breaks the child & its life in half.

The weekends have always been difficult, even when we were still married. Trying to keep a child entertained is not much easier than trying to win a lottery.

The Little O. has not once in his life spent a whole weekend at home. Unless he was sick, that is. The constant need to keep him busy had always left us a tiny bit tired, if not exhausted.

Since our divorce, and our lives being lived in separate houses I do get weekends off, or rather weekends away from trying to entertain little O. I should say. Every other weekend he is staying with his dad, and this is the time when I should have the whole weekend all for myself.

However, the reality is a bit different. I don’t know how to be on my own. I don’t know how to do nothing (this phrase always has sounded to me a bit oxymoronic as you can’t DO NOTHING). Spending quality time with the family is doing nothing, right?

When the Little O. is around, either during the week or a weekend, I’m busy, and every parent would tell you that there is no time to think, eat or sit down.

But when the little one is with his daddy, I’m merely lonely. Yes, it is a huge adjustment from family life to a single parent life.

There are only so many hours I can work and so many hours I can be out and about. There are only so many friends I can visit. There are only so many coffees I can have and lunches or dinners I can eat.

The truth is that it doesn’t matter how strong and together you are, a divorce is a divorce, and it makes you lonely. You are left with your loneliness, thoughts, dreams and hopes. Hopes that the pain will dissolve sooner rather than later, and dreams that the happy ending is possible after all.

Yes, I’m single & I can date other people. Well, other men, I should say as I’m not into the girl on girl thing. But I cannot bring myself to emotionally commit to a date, not to even mention starting thinking about a relationship.

Is it possible that my ex. sucked all the commitment out of me? Is it possible that the only way I see men at the moment is connected to the physical act of “love” = sex?