I have been on a diet since I was 14. At that age, I was yet another deluded teenager who decided to become a supermodel, so I figured I’d needed to be extremely skinny.

Back then I didn’t realise I was way too short to become a model, plus my body has always been more womanly than boyish. The supermodel trend required (& still does) being very tall and somewhat flat. “Unfortunately” I developed a set of breasts at the early age, so there went my supermodel career. But the body obsession stayed the obsession that I wasn’t perfect.

How sad is that the whole generations of women are lost ‘cos of the “supermodel” syndrome??? What the fuck is wrong with the society.

Ok, here it is. Women need breasts, to feed the kids for instance. I’m sure the Little O. was grateful for that when he was born. I bet I can find a few more examples of people who are thankful for my boobies. However, it seems that the super skinny models’ industry has not come to terms with the concept of boobies as yet.

Another trigger for my diet quest was the shitty and humiliating bullying I got from some of the boys at school. Because of my very low self-esteem, I believed them claiming I was fat and even now I spend most of my grown-up life chasing a dream of a skinny figure to please all the men (including my ex.).

I was so obsessed with being fat that I wouldn’t wear short skirts ‘cos my legs weren’t perfect, and not being perfect was the worst crime ever. I still wear mostly trousers and long or extra long skirts and dresses, the ones that cover my legs.

But going back to my dieting I have done everything that I could to become skinny:

–   I have exercised.

–   I did yoga & Pilates (I think I enjoy these forms of exercise the most)

–   I stopped eating meat when I was 18.

–   I went through phases of various diets. You name it; I’ve done it.

–   I didn’t eat sweets or carbs for weeks just to stuff my face with it at some point ‘cos I was starving.

–   At times, especially under lots of stress or when I’m sick, I don’t eat at all.

–   I followed all the possible beauty treatments, especially after I had a baby and it did help me to get back to my figure. So this part was ok. However, once I stopped the treatments, I had to control my intake of food.

And… I’m still on a diet. There are days and times when I’m starving or days when I eat so much that the guilt is killing me from the inside making me feel sick about myself. How messed up is that?!?

And it all comes from wanting to be a supermodel, as to be honest with you I don’t even think that being so skinny is attractive at all.

I have never really been bulimic or anorexic, but I’m always on the verge. My self-esteem and diets have always been strongly linked together. If I wanted to sabotage myself I only had to think about being fat. In fact, I’d spent years hiding under shapeless clothes, pretending not to exist.

The disconnection between my soul and my body was massive, to the point of making me not only angry but also scared, stuck and pissed off most of the time. The people around me didn’t help either.

As a teenager whose body changes every single day I got no support from women in my family, quite the opposite. Something was happening to me, and I had no understanding of what that was, and no one was willing to explain to me that it was normal that body changes. And what’s not normal is to be consumed by obsessive diets.

I also had several boyfriends for whom I was always big (but good sex) before I became a “happy” wife. The reality is that I have never really been huge. The only huge thing has been my need to be skinny and loved by everyone for my skinny self.

I do admit that most of my life I was unaware of myself and ‘cos of that unawareness my brain created this body obsession. So, instead of focusing on the things I wanted to concentrate on, I was concentrating on various diets and exercising regimes.

However, enough is enough.

I love eating out, and I love sweets and bread and cheese. Why do I have to take away all the pleasures in life for the sake of keeping some strangers happy or attracted to me on the physical level? 

What happened? Have I become a perfect product of our imperfect pop culture? What if I eat whatever I like and don’t think about the diet and whether I’m going to be fat or not?

What if I’m going to be huge and will never find anyone who will love me for me? Is love only conditioned on the physical aspects?

What is wrong with the society if an intelligent, well educated and successful woman conditions herself and her life on whether she eats carbs or not?

I guess I need to start re-dieting my brain and see where that is going to take me.

PS. Yes, my ex. is with someone who is slimmer than me, and have more beautiful legs. But as I said, enough is enough & I’ve just had enough.