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“My 20’s V My 30’s”

I have no idea what triggered my trip into the memory line of my 20’s. But here I was seating in an empty apartment (the Little O. was staying with his dad over the weekend, so I had all the time in the world to think things up and to be nostalgic), stuffing my face with anything that wasn’t carbs (I think I have an allergy to carbs and it keeps getting worse & worse each time I have a cracker or a slice of the lovely German bread from the market.) and kept thinking about my past.

While sitting, thinking and eating (not necessarily in this order of importance), I kept having flashbacks to my past. The past that wasn’t always rosy. At times it was pretty ugly.

Anyhow, right now I see it that way:

– In my 20’s I was always angry and sad until I met my now ex-hubby and became a mom.

– Becoming a mom was the most significant blessing of all.

– Getting divorced was, well… I still don’t know what it has been… so I’ll keep you updated on that.

Yes, I do have to admit that I spent most of my 20’s being angry. I was just always pissed off. I have no idea what was triggering my anger and irrational (from my today perspective) behaviour. But I have the strong suspicion that extreme loneliness played a massive part in that.

I was simply sad. I wanted to be in love, and I wanted to be loved. But there was no love around me. Even though I was dating and there were loads of guys around me, none of them was able to offer a girl like me the real love based on accepting who I was. And let’s face it, I’m not the easiest person to be around. I love working, I’m a vegetarian, which means that cooking for me is challenging in some ways (and I don’t like wasting time for cooking so I prefer my partner to cook J)

On top of all of this anger and loneliness, I was also searching for myself, for the meaning of life and for opportunities to become a very successful scriptwriter, overnight. You read magazines & hear about these stories of success that happen overnight. Let me tell you something. Don’t believe in them!!!! It’s never like that. It is bullshit.

So, I was obsessed with work, which meant that I was able to carry on working on several projects at the same time. I could work throughout the whole night hoping that this was THE NIGHT I hit the jackpot. But surprise, surprise; most of my actions were not bringing any visible progress to my career.

It wasn’t until I became a mom that I realised that work is maybe essential but working 24/7 is not only unproductive but also desperate and desperation is a killer.

I became a mom in my 30’s. Of course, my priorities changed (and this time it happened overnight), but also my search for unconditional love was over. I had Little O. who loved me.

The other thing coming with having a baby was that my anger dispersed as if driven away by little O’s good spirit I became kinder to everyone around me and to myself, too.

My constant obsession with my career stopped and guessed what happened (I was never a type who was going to sit at home while her hubby or partner was providing for her). My career took off.

As if by the touch of a magic wand my working life was turned around. The ideas and opportunities started flowing my way, and I didn’t have to do that much to meet those opportunities.

Was it the mindset? Was it the right time? Was I not ready in my 20’s to be who I’m now, in my 30’s?

No idea. I just know that I don’t miss my 20’s that much. Maybe only except for lack of these few extra lines on my face.


Filed under: Polish Gal in London

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Magda Olchawska is an award-winning independent filmmaker, writer and screenwriter. She writes not only about making films and writing but also about financially independent and sustainable lifestyle. Her current projects include Ecotopia Universe and School Runs.

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