I have no idea what triggered my trip into the memory line of my 20’s. But here I was seating in an empty apartment (the Little O. was staying with his dad over the weekend, so I had all the time in the world to think things up and to be nostalgic), stuffing my face with anything that wasn’t carbs (I think I have an allergy to carbs and it keeps getting worse & worse each time I have a cracker or a slice of the lovely German bread from the market.) and kept thinking about my past.
While sitting, thinking and eating (not necessarily in this order of importance), I kept having flashbacks to my past. The past that wasn’t always rosy. At times it was pretty ugly.
Anyhow, right now I see it that way:
– In my 20’s I was always angry and sad until I met my now ex-hubby and became a mom.
– Becoming a mom was the most significant blessing of all.
– Getting divorced was, well… I still don’t know what it has been… so I’ll keep you updated on that.
Yes, I do have to admit that I spent most of my 20’s being angry. I was just always pissed off. I have no idea what was triggering my anger and irrational (from my today perspective) behaviour. But I have the strong suspicion that extreme loneliness played a massive part in that.
I was simply sad. I wanted to be in love, and I wanted to be loved. But there was no love around me. Even though I was dating and there were loads of guys around me, none of them was able to offer a girl like me the real love based on accepting who I was. And let’s face it, I’m not the easiest person to be around. I love working, I’m a vegetarian, which means that cooking for me is challenging in some ways (and I don’t like wasting time for cooking so I prefer my partner to cook J)
On top of all of this anger and loneliness, I was also searching for myself, for the meaning of life and for opportunities to become a very successful scriptwriter, overnight. You read magazines & hear about these stories of success that happen overnight. Let me tell you something. Don’t believe in them!!!! It’s never like that. It is bullshit.
So, I was obsessed with work, which meant that I was able to carry on working on several projects at the same time. I could work throughout the whole night hoping that this was THE NIGHT I hit the jackpot. But surprise, surprise; most of my actions were not bringing any visible progress to my career.
It wasn’t until I became a mom that I realised that work is maybe essential but working 24/7 is not only unproductive but also desperate and desperation is a killer.
I became a mom in my 30’s. Of course, my priorities changed (and this time it happened overnight), but also my search for unconditional love was over. I had Little O. who loved me.
The other thing coming with having a baby was that my anger dispersed as if driven away by little O’s good spirit I became kinder to everyone around me and to myself, too.
My constant obsession with my career stopped and guessed what happened (I was never a type who was going to sit at home while her hubby or partner was providing for her). My career took off.
As if by the touch of a magic wand my working life was turned around. The ideas and opportunities started flowing my way, and I didn’t have to do that much to meet those opportunities.
Was it the mindset? Was it the right time? Was I not ready in my 20’s to be who I’m now, in my 30’s?
No idea. I just know that I don’t miss my 20’s that much. Maybe only except for lack of these few extra lines on my face.